Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Can I tell you something…. Sometimes I feel like I can’t win at the life game of relationships. Between my family & my husband, it seems like I’ll always be “the problem”, the “cause”, or considered an “enabler” … All I want is for my husband and my family to get along. My husband says “I didn’t start this issue so I shouldn’t have to solve it” while family says “I’m over it already. If he still has a problem, he needs to address it” …. I personally feel like that’s BS from both sides… both point of views can be correct, but the problem is that both point of views remove accountability and pushes off the responsibility of mending the situation onto someone else….

I don’t understand how someone can start an issue, not address the issue for 6yrs , and expect the person who the issue was with to miraculously “get over it” and be open to interaction with them… and for me to be told that encouraging the person who has to issue to address the issue directly with the person it was with is classified as “codling” the person who the issue was with is crazy to me.

Everyone is so quick to blame my husband for how he interacts, but no one is willing to to take responsibility for their part in why he acts the way he does around them. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to me. And to make it even more annoying, this 8yr beef was started by “he said/she said” accusations. Which is even more of a reason for me to feel like the person who started the Issue needs to be to be the one to clear it because that person never actually addressed the person that the beef was with. The simply took whatever was said and ran with it.

I can understand being insecure about your life choices. But what I can’t understand is being so insecure that a comment that was not directed towards you can trigger you as if it was… and refusing to see it for what it was, an insecure moment.

Honestly… this whole thing puts me in a very off putting energy. I don’t want to have to choose between my family that I was born into and the family that I created. And the fact that no matter which side I’m talking to, it turns into a them jumping down my throat about how I am “enabling “ the other party makes we want to leave both of them in the dust, gather up my children and fall off the face of the earth… alone. No husband, no mom, no siblings. Just me & my kids.

I’ve tried to talk to my family about it and each time they give me the stance of “he needs to charge to fit us” and I don’t agree with that. My husband isn’t asking for my family to change. All he is asking for is respect as a the good man he is and feeling accepted by my family… I don’t feel like thats too much to ask for. And while they will think I am wrong for “choosing my husband over them” , my husband has cut his family off for just speaking ill towards me. So although I wouldn’t like it, yes, I would choose a healthy marriage over a toxic, emotionally immature family any day.

The frustrating thing about my husband is that he refuses to see how my family does try to interact with him positively. I can’t point out the times that my sister has tried to be friendly, or my mom has done something small like compliment him or asks where he is, but he’s still going tell himself that they don’t care about him or want him around. I get not wanting to be where you are not wanted. What I don’t get is holding onto an issue so tightly that you refuse to see when things could possibly change for the better.

He does this with everything. We have been together for 7yrs, and 6yrs later I am still dealing with emotions that he had in years 2,3,&4…. It’s maddening, and it definitely makes me question if our relationship is built to last.. he doesn’t like to admit that he holds onto emotions. He says “I’m not holding on to it, I’m just finally starting the healing process “. But come on now… you wait 5yrs to start crying about things is CRAZY. And every annoying. I have already changed so much in this relationship. Some ways for the better & other ways feels like I have to change the core of who I am in order to be the wife that he needs/wants.

I don’t want to end in divorce, but I also don’t want to spend the next decade feeling Isolated & insecure about who I am because I have lost myself trying to appease my husband….

I really need someone unbiased advice. I am going to schedule an appointment with my therapist, but I’d still like to know what you think will help resolve the issue between my husband & my family.