There is no Competition

My birthday just passed, and you would think that I would be in a very high vibrational mood. Instead I’m contemplating if my marriage is going to work and calculating an exit plan incase I want to make an early eject.

Honestly… idk if I can even be honest. I’ve come to realize that anything I say can and will be used against me, no matter who it’s said to. Everything in my world has a stipulation… a “boundary” but these boundaries aren’t for freedom in authenticity.

I’m back in the place where I feel like my words don’t matter so why speak? It’s crazy how I can pour life into other with my words, but it seems like when I’m the one in it, my words just loads up someone else’s gun and is aimed directly at me.

I’m numbing the best I can. I began to quite my input. I really just want to be alone… buy a 1 way ticket out the country & never return leaving literally everything behind. At the same time feeling helpless because I don’t have the funds start over right now. I’m willing to go live in a tent in the desert by myself, with no amenities if I knew it would be an attainable safe haven.

This isn’t a competition of who can be hurt the most. And the fact that that is a question is wild to me. Part of me looks crazy because why would a grown man need to be in competition with a woman for any reason? Much less a competition on who’s hurting the most or can hurt the other the most?

All I want to do is fall of the face of the earth. So no, I don’t want to go to any family functions. Once again, I have been emotionally forced into hermit mode. Dimming my light even more….

Do I wait it out to see if I can regain it at any point down the line? Or should I go ahead and call it quits while I’m ahead because it doesn’t get any better?